Please Let Good Health Be Around the Corner, or Why I Haven't Posted in Months

I got sideswiped by life back in September after school started, and I haven't quite recovered. I kept telling myself  "Tomorrow I will blog!". Then another round of chaos would begin, and before I knew it I was falling into bed practically sleepwalking my way there. And another day would slip by without a new post.

School started off with lots of promises and positive thoughts - which lasted about as long as the first major test. After that, back to reality. Of course, by then, their social life was fully developed for the new school year. The oldest stepson was graduated and gone (from our home at least), but he still came around here and there. Since September, he broke up with his girlfriend of three years (and mother of his baby girl), found a new girlfriend, married her, and then ten days later went back to his first girlfriend. As of right now, his poor Bride (who we love) is crying her eyes out (he's so not worth it), and he's disappeared by claiming to be divorcing her (he always runs from the truth and responsibility).

As if that were not enough, I discovered my severe fatigue and lower back pain (which was actually bone pain in the lower spine) was caused by low Vitamin D levels.Very low. So low that I am now on mega-doses of a supplement and I am being checked again next month. I was down to "12", and most people my age and gender should be at "80". I am very fair-skinned, and skin cancer runs in the family, so getting more sun (without sunscreen) is not an option considering the deficit I currently have. So, better living through chemistry it is. I am slowly feeling better, but I was told it would take a year to be "normal" again. At least the back pain is getting better.

I got that behind me, then my stepdaughter got kidney stones on the same day my mother had a CT scan to investigate a suspicious growth. It's amazing the timing of this kid. The same day my mother went into a diabetic coma, this same stepdaughter managed to break both arms at the same time at the playground. She's our drama queen, and apparently every organ in her body knows how to make her the center of attention (stage direction would have me rolling my eyes dramatically here of course).

The kidney stone was passed, but my mother failed the CT scan: diagnosis stomach cancer, Stage 2 to Stage 3. We are keeping a positive frame of mind, as the surgeon has said that he will still operate to remove the tumor after her chemotherapy whether or not it has reduced in size. She is an excellent candidate for surgery, as she is a strong and positive 78 year old lady. Trust me, I hope to have half of her energy at that age!

She starts chemotherapy tomorrow, so all good thoughts and prayers are appreciated.  I will be staying with her on and off, so my posts will likely be sporadic. At least until after Thanksgiving. Don't give up on me, as I will continue posting thoughts, musings, tips and rants - just not daily. Once she is cured (after all, removing all of the tumor with no other cancer present is considered cured), I will be back to regular programming.

Isn't It School Yet? This Is My Steplife and I Need A Break

I can't wait until August 17 - the first day of school.

That may sound harsh, but I need a break. I haven't told a lot of my story, but I am a little different from a lot of stepmothers out there. I am 100% custodial - full time, all the time. That means there are no "every other weekends" or any "summer visits". Instead, they get to see her only when she schedules her therapeutic supervised visits - which she has not ever scheduled. They last saw their mother in August 2008, at a regular supervised visitation which did not end very successfully.

I've been a custodial stepmother ever since I married my dear husband (DH). That will be ten years ago this coming March 2011, so it has been a while. This means I love them all very much, as I have been put in a situation of "mothering" them for most of their lives. Their mother has had visitation on and off, sometimes supervised and sometimes unsupervised, until in March 2009 when it went to the therapeutic visits based on recommendations of therapists involved.

As a result of that, my OSD (oldest stepdaughter) ended up threatening suicide which landed her in a mental hospital for about two weeks. According to all the therapists and doctors involved, it was all a manipulative attempt to go live with her mother who could not (and still cannot) take care of her. However, it decidedly interrupted our lives and ended up with OSD being placed on homebound instruction for the remainder of the school year. At that time, she was not the least bit shy about sharing her utter hatred of me and the belief that I was solely responsible for everything wrong in her life not the least of which was her being unable to see her mother. Amazing, since I later found out that she had secretly been in touch with her mother for several months and her mother had even come to several high school football games with the sole objective of seeing OSD. (And no, her mother never asked nor tried to see other siblings which had an impact on YSD.) So, there we were with OSD hating me, DH working every day, and me trying to balance it all to provide at least a somewhat normal existence for my three year old daughter.

Once school let out in May, I had all the stepkids home with me. Well, almost all. The OSS decided he could "make it on his own" at age 17 and decided to move out in May. Actually, he had moved out in November (just prior to the suicide threats by OSD) but moved back in January. He had left to move in with the stepkids' mother, who went to jail in December for three months. Since that left him homeless, he basically moved back home. Then, he decided in May he would try it again only to end up moving back in with his mother. As luck would have it, she went to jail the Monday after he graduated high school which left him homeless yet again. My DH believes in tough love, and since OSS doesn't believe in finding a job or attending school my DH doesn't believe we have room at our inn. And I am behind him 100%.

That meant my summer had the following: a sullen 16-year-old (YSS) who was upset he couldn't move out and away from rules and responsibility, a pouting 15-year-old (OSD) who was upset she couldn't be with her mother and was pissed her therapists called her on being manipulative, and a depressed 12-year-old who could not understand why her mother would not try to contact her even though it was not the right thing to do. Oh, and an amazingly fairly normal 4-year-old who had managed to survive her birthday and develop just fine during all the craziness that ensued in the rest of our home.

I need a break so I can enjoy that darling little four-year-old just a little bit more. I don't want to miss all those special moments which are dwindling since she will soon start the school race too. And I don't want to seethe with resentment because of my role in steplife. It's a careful balance, but one that school will resolve this year. Just a few more days, then at least there will be a little peace. And it's amazing what that eight hour break can do for the soul.

Isn't it school yet? 

Monday Musings

There are a lot of things about being a stepmom that can drive you crazy - and I blog about most of those on here. Then there are those times that your heart is touched in a way that no traditional family will ever know. Most of those moments for me have come through watching the stepkids interact with their youngest sister, my daughter, affectionately known as The Chick.

My SS16 (the only stepson still living at home) is tall, gangly, macho guy. He's rough with his younger sisters, constantly picking on them and talking trash. He's somewhere between Earl from My Name Is Earl and Puck from Glee. However, as soon as he walks into the room with his youngest sister, the Chick? He melts. He lights up. Every cliche you can think of for a tough guy falling into puffy cloud of softness comes to mind. Those are the moments that make me forget how I wanted to strangle him two hours ago for him nearly strangling his other two sisters. Instead, I see what a protector he is to his baby sister. I know that I will never have to worry about anyone hurting her as long as he is around. He will take on anyone that hurts her, me and his father included. And I am all right with that.

My SD15 is the prima donna of the house, always concerned about her nail polish, if her hair is straightened enough or if she's wearing the latest style. She's like Sharpay Evans in High School Musical, or Quinn Fabray from Glee on a bad day - at least the Quinn from the first few shows. When Chick is in the room? Every ounce of SD15's focus is latched firmly on her baby sister. It's hard to believe that is the same child that can suffer from a personality disorder and create such hell on some days. Chick gives SD15 unconditional love, and I guess that is what SD15 needs most right now. While her father and I can give that too (and do), we must balance it with that less desirable thing called discipline. In the eyes of a teenager, that is in direct contradiction to "unconditional love". I know that with SD15, Chick will have another person to watch over her and know the value of complete unconditional love.

My SD12 is the sprite around our house - peppy, full of energy, petite and full of fun. I don't even know a character to compare her too, except maybe Tinkerbell from the recent movie. She is the playmate to our little Chick. She gets bored easily due to her attention-deficit and hyperactivity. She often doesn't play her own activities for too long, without jumping to something new. With her baby sister? She can play for hours - making treasure hunts, preparing and modeling fashion shows, and board games ad infinitum. With SD12, Chick will know play and fun and the value of undivided attention. While I do my best and I often lament I am not giving my little Chick enough undivided attention, I know that she is getting it from her sister. And right now, that's good enough for me.

At the end of the day, it's these little reminders that mean so much as a stepmother. I still believe that our little Chick was sent her as a healing force. When I see her interact with her older siblings, I am reminded of that each and every day. And that's not a bad thing at all.

Five For Friday: The 5 Worst Things To Say To A Stepmom

Number 5:     Your daughter (son) looks just like you.

Uhhh... awk-ward.

Number 4:     Where's their mother?

You may think people would never have the gall to say this to a stepmom's face. Let me remind you if you are a mother - how many rank strangers want to touch your pregnant belly? Or your newborn baby? Yeah, people have lost sense of that little thing known as boundaries. No filter. None.

Number 3:    You're not the real mom.

I have already written an entire post about this one thing: Just What Is A Real Mom Anyway? Just to clarify - I am not a ghost. I am not plastic. I am real; I am a variation of mom; I am just not their birth mom. Doesn't make me any less real. Although it's often said by the stepkids, you would be amazed how many regular folk say it. Once again, no filter. It just spews forth like Mt. Vesuvius. Amazingly enough, this traditionally follows or is followed by some variation of the "Where's mother?" question.

Number 2:  (at a doctor/counselor/school/etc. office) So, what was your pregnancy and childbirth like? 

Do professionals not read anymore? When I said (and wrote on the intake form) that I am the custodial stepmother, do you really think I was there as a birth coach or doula? After all, since "I'm not the real mom" we all know I didn't give birth. And this is not something my DH and I want to chat up during cocktails and appetizers, KWIM? Seriously, some people need to stop, read and think - then speak.

Number 1:     You knew he had kids when you married him. 

Don't even get me started on this one. The AKA for this one is: "Don't complain. You knew what you were

getting into." Oh really? So, that viper you work with? Don't complain about her - after all you knew other

people worked there when you were hired. Trust me - no stepmother really understands what she is getting into. I can't tell you how many I have met that were not custodial and suddenly became a custodial stepmom -

and when they had already finished raising their own and now get another one? Those ladies are the real fearless stepmoms.

So, yes, I have actually had an encounter that went something like this:

PROFESSIONAL PERSON (PP): (after glancing at paperwork) So, tell me was your pregnancy normal? No problems in childbirth?

FEARLESS STEPMOM (FS): Uh... no. Uhhh... I am the custodial stepmom. I explained to the secretary that I will need to get all that information from my husband. I'll get it back to you.

PP: Oh. So, where's their mother?

FS: Uh, well, um. She's in jail right now. 

PP: (beginning to look like they want to dig that proverbial hole to China) "Oh. I see. Well, uh, so you're not the real mom?"

FS: (wanting to bang head in frustration) "No. I am the custodial stepmom, since 2001. They are with us all of the time."

PP: "Okay. Well, just get those back when you can. You know. she really does look just like you."

Once I've escaped and am venting to my friend about it later, she says:

"Well, that's going to happen. After all, you knew he had kids when you married him."

 

Letting Go of Dreams

I realized a harsh truth late yesterday. I guess it's one reason I am still up at 2:15AM. Well, other than working on my two blogs anyway.

I think the hardest part of being a custodial stepmom is the fighting the inevitable - letting go of your dreams. I think as stepmoms, we all have dreams of what life will be like. Well, at least for two groups of stepmoms: the ones that come into their stepkids' lives when the kids are still young, and the ones that have never lived in step previously. I happen to fit both categories. Basically, I had previously been married but did not have children. My DH had been married and had one daughter. At the time I met him, he was in the process of divorcing his second wife - and they had four children. He was custodial to all five at the time we first met. 

I had always loved being around kids, and I had longed for children of my own. At one point, I was told it was highly unlikely I would ever conceive and be able to carry to full term. My 40th birthday surprise - in the form of my dear daughter (the Chick) - is living proof that was not accurate. However, for many years I believed it - and it had held true through previous fertility attempts (although no fertility treatments or drugs). I had no clue about anything regarding living in step - my parents are still married, most of my friends have parents that are still married, and my closest friends are either still married or still not married. I have never had a long-lasting close relationship with anyone living in step, hard as that may be to believe in today's society. The best examples I had of living in step? The Brady Bunch. And oh boy, was I in for a surprise. 

I'll save the story of those surprises for another day and another post. Suffice it to say, I was not Carol, he was not Mike, and these were definitely not the Brady bunch kids. And we don't even need to think for a moment there was an Alice floating around in the kitchen or back room. Who has live-in maids in middle class neighborhoods anymore?  

When I first met the kids, they ranged in age from 2 to 15 - a girl (15), two boys (7 and 5), and two girls (4 and 2). My dreams covered everything from grade school graduations to high school graduations and everything in between. It was making birthday cakes and hosting their parties. It was picking out prom attire and coordinating the after-prom party at our house. It was playing video games in the den, sharing books, and going shopping. It was shared manis and pedis, along with cool haircuts and the swanky salon in town. It was providing a shoulder to cry on when they got their shots, got a bad grade or got dumped for the first time. It was maintaining order in my home, while they still loved me and respected me. 

Some of those things may make you laugh - if you are the parent of a teen. There are times, as a teen parent, you want to pack them up, ship them off to a jungle in Southeast Asia, and only get them back after they turn 18 and have aged a little. Then there are other times when they actually act like a human, and you enjoy being around them. While the teen years can be tough, they can also hold many special and precious moments if the relationship has been established. 

Unfortunately, as a stepmother, those relationships are easily undermined and crumbled. I am living proof. As a custodial stepmother, it was even more difficult. I dreamed of being there and helping these kids when their mother was not in a position to do so. I always saw it as: "A stepmom is one who steps up when a mom is needed, and steps back when the mom is there to do it herself." I never saw myself replacing her, but I did see a special relationship of my own.

The past few years have been filled with heartache, and I now see that some of that was at my own hand. I should have detached a little sooner than I did. Discipline? Let the parents parent - they handle the discipline. Tough decisions? Let the parents parent - whether that's the choice I would have made or not. Instilling values and beliefs? Let the parents parent - legally its not my child and not my problem. It's hard to do that, especially as a custodial stepmom - but it's how you save yourself from constant heartbreak. More importantly, it will save your sanity. 

I realized that I'm not going to see those dreams come true. I've held tenaciously onto them - thinking somehow it would work out. Maybe time would change things. Maybe it's just this child. Finally I realized - it's this situation and no amount of time will ever change it. It is what it is. I don't mean to sound hopeless - in fact, I am more hopeful than I have been in a while. Reality and truth are funny that way - once you are free and can see things as they really are, you can heal. And you finally realize there is an end to the heartache. 

My advice to any new custodial stepmom is to take a long, hard look at your situation.  Look carefully at your dreams and ask yourself if they will stand. Allow yourself time to let them go and to grieve what is lost. Finally, reconcile that detachment is the best solution. It's not that you don't care - you do. It's not that you don't want to help - you do. It's the fact that you DO care and you DO want to help - that will drive you to take on more, do more, and ultimately stress you more. Detachment can work wonders, even in a custodial situation. You may have to tweak it here and there, but I'll be putting up more posts about that. 


In the meantime, just breathe. Let go. It's like another stepmom I know said: Let go or be dragged.