Becoming a stepmom is very easy - about the three seconds it takes to say "I do". That was me - I went from 0 to 5 in that length of time. That is, zero kids to five kids. Yes, five kids. That takes me to the Five Lessons of Becoming a (Good) Stepmom.
Lesson number one in becoming a stepmom - prepare for anything and everything, especially the unexpected. When DH and I met, I knew there was a custody battle (he and ex were already separated). At the time, they were splitting the time in half - one week with Dad and the other week with Mom. That didn't last very long. Within a few short months and before the end of the year, he was fully custodial and she only had standard visitation. We got married the following spring, and one month later, she was in jail. I was definitely experiencing the unexpected. Some people will automatically think - but you knew what you were getting into! I beg to disagree, and that takes me to lesson number two.
Lesson number two is to don your armor so you can successfully combat the mythology of stepmothers, a battle that is sharply angled uphill. You will hear "You know what you were getting into", but this is false. This is false for anything. A soldier joining the Army will "know" that there is war in Iraq and he may go. However, until he experiences an attack on his unit in that desert, he doesn't really "know" what he's getting into. Every day young students join college and "know" they will need to study. But until they get there, feeling peer pressure to join clubs and party during the week, they don't "know" what they are getting into. The analogies could go on and on, because a person can't truly know what they are getting into until they have lived that particular situation. This is especially true of divorces, which are as unique as the people that compose the situation. You will also hear the endless comparison to a "wicked stepmother". Need I say more on this subject? I like to reply back that "No, I'm not a wicked stepmother, just the trophy wife." That typically shuts down conversation on that point. Of course, my previous answer did as well - "Yes, well, I do enjoy planning those ritualistic beatings every week." At least with either of those answers, the uncomfortable silence is theirs and not mine. It helps to have others hold you up when you face these stereotypes and that takes me to lesson three.
Lesson number three is to assemble your support group. For most stepmoms, they immediately of the mental health circle group that listens, cries with you and even sometimes takes that sharp knife out of your hands. This goes beyond the typical support group - this is your inner circle of friends and family and it stars your dear husband. In order for your marriage to survive, and you to be a successful stepmom, your husband must support you 100% of the time. This does not mean he always agrees with you, and it does not mean that he puts you above his children to their detriment. It does mean that he does not openly disagree with you in front of the stepchildren - any disagreements are discussed behind closed doors and then presented to the family with a united front. I am personally blessed to have a husband that has literally told his children if something comes out of my mouth, it's as good as coming out of his. We are custodial, and he works long hours, so this is unique to our situation. Most importantly, they do not see any division between us. And anything unintentionally seen as undermining is quickly repaired. We are a team, and all of our children know that, which is lesson four.
Lesson four is to make sure the family realizes the marital relationship comes first, before any other relationships. This is the foundation for a successful family and household. Without this firmly established, children will sense a divide and try to put a wedge in it. This creates the first of the game playing, which we do not tolerate. This should not as threatening or selfish as some will see. A traditional family has started with a traditional marriage - a couple that marries without children. They establish their marital foundations and then children come along. The children fit into the marriage which becomes a family. With a second marriage the children and the marital foundation are all there at the start. In this case, it is important for children to see that your marital relationship is of vital importance. Date nights are a great way to establish this. Going on a honeymoon right after marrying, without taking the children is another good start. It is not separating the children from the family. Instead, it lets them know there is a special relationship between their father and stepmother - a relationship that will last (hopefully) long after they have aged and moved out of the home. There are some things of which they cannot be a part, but which they will reap great benefits. By taking time to build your romance, and to continue to strengthen your friendship without the added pressures of children's needs, you will become stronger as a couple. This offers a great strength for raising children, and they will benefit from happy, settled, functional parents. At this point, the best you can give them is a good role model for a solid marriage. This brings me to the final lesson for becoming a stepmother.
Lesson five is to make a schedule and stick to it, including some "me time" in it. This is so crucial. Children thrive on structure and schedules, especially if any are special needs. We with oversized date squares. We put all the events and special dates on the calendar, so that we all know what is going on at any time. We've also made certain rules, such as only one child having a friend over at a time. We have a large family, so some of the things we do may not be practical for a one child family. However, with no children, two children or ten children - a schedule is an absolute necessity. This includes, as previously stated, the "me time", for which you are not to feel guilty. As a stepmom, it is essential to step away from steplife from time to time. This can be a bubble bath, while the kids are at school and you have time off work. It can be lunch with friends, or just a trip alone to the bookstore. The essential elements are making this time about you - something you enjoy, that doesn't include endless discussions of the stepchildren, any legal disputes, the ex-wife or anything else that concerns steplife. It is amazing how this vacation will help your perspective. Ideally, once a week is a great goal, although sometimes once a month is the only realistic possibility.
There's a lot more to being a stepmom than just five easy lessons. The lessons are often hard to apply, and they aren't required to actually be a stepmom. That just takes a man willing to say "I do" and accept the marriage certificate. If you follow these lessons, you become not just a stepmom... you become a GOOD stepmom. Despite popular misconceptions, we are not wicked or evil - we are just stressed out moms that don't get the recognition but do get the responsibility. No matter how we view it, our charges are just children. So we owe it to them to be a good stepmom and, in the process, crush those myths.
