Isn't It School Yet? This Is My Steplife and I Need A Break

I can't wait until August 17 - the first day of school.

That may sound harsh, but I need a break. I haven't told a lot of my story, but I am a little different from a lot of stepmothers out there. I am 100% custodial - full time, all the time. That means there are no "every other weekends" or any "summer visits". Instead, they get to see her only when she schedules her therapeutic supervised visits - which she has not ever scheduled. They last saw their mother in August 2008, at a regular supervised visitation which did not end very successfully.

I've been a custodial stepmother ever since I married my dear husband (DH). That will be ten years ago this coming March 2011, so it has been a while. This means I love them all very much, as I have been put in a situation of "mothering" them for most of their lives. Their mother has had visitation on and off, sometimes supervised and sometimes unsupervised, until in March 2009 when it went to the therapeutic visits based on recommendations of therapists involved.

As a result of that, my OSD (oldest stepdaughter) ended up threatening suicide which landed her in a mental hospital for about two weeks. According to all the therapists and doctors involved, it was all a manipulative attempt to go live with her mother who could not (and still cannot) take care of her. However, it decidedly interrupted our lives and ended up with OSD being placed on homebound instruction for the remainder of the school year. At that time, she was not the least bit shy about sharing her utter hatred of me and the belief that I was solely responsible for everything wrong in her life not the least of which was her being unable to see her mother. Amazing, since I later found out that she had secretly been in touch with her mother for several months and her mother had even come to several high school football games with the sole objective of seeing OSD. (And no, her mother never asked nor tried to see other siblings which had an impact on YSD.) So, there we were with OSD hating me, DH working every day, and me trying to balance it all to provide at least a somewhat normal existence for my three year old daughter.

Once school let out in May, I had all the stepkids home with me. Well, almost all. The OSS decided he could "make it on his own" at age 17 and decided to move out in May. Actually, he had moved out in November (just prior to the suicide threats by OSD) but moved back in January. He had left to move in with the stepkids' mother, who went to jail in December for three months. Since that left him homeless, he basically moved back home. Then, he decided in May he would try it again only to end up moving back in with his mother. As luck would have it, she went to jail the Monday after he graduated high school which left him homeless yet again. My DH believes in tough love, and since OSS doesn't believe in finding a job or attending school my DH doesn't believe we have room at our inn. And I am behind him 100%.

That meant my summer had the following: a sullen 16-year-old (YSS) who was upset he couldn't move out and away from rules and responsibility, a pouting 15-year-old (OSD) who was upset she couldn't be with her mother and was pissed her therapists called her on being manipulative, and a depressed 12-year-old who could not understand why her mother would not try to contact her even though it was not the right thing to do. Oh, and an amazingly fairly normal 4-year-old who had managed to survive her birthday and develop just fine during all the craziness that ensued in the rest of our home.

I need a break so I can enjoy that darling little four-year-old just a little bit more. I don't want to miss all those special moments which are dwindling since she will soon start the school race too. And I don't want to seethe with resentment because of my role in steplife. It's a careful balance, but one that school will resolve this year. Just a few more days, then at least there will be a little peace. And it's amazing what that eight hour break can do for the soul.

Isn't it school yet? 

Five For Friday: The 5 Worst Things To Say To A Stepmom

Number 5:     Your daughter (son) looks just like you.

Uhhh... awk-ward.

Number 4:     Where's their mother?

You may think people would never have the gall to say this to a stepmom's face. Let me remind you if you are a mother - how many rank strangers want to touch your pregnant belly? Or your newborn baby? Yeah, people have lost sense of that little thing known as boundaries. No filter. None.

Number 3:    You're not the real mom.

I have already written an entire post about this one thing: Just What Is A Real Mom Anyway? Just to clarify - I am not a ghost. I am not plastic. I am real; I am a variation of mom; I am just not their birth mom. Doesn't make me any less real. Although it's often said by the stepkids, you would be amazed how many regular folk say it. Once again, no filter. It just spews forth like Mt. Vesuvius. Amazingly enough, this traditionally follows or is followed by some variation of the "Where's mother?" question.

Number 2:  (at a doctor/counselor/school/etc. office) So, what was your pregnancy and childbirth like? 

Do professionals not read anymore? When I said (and wrote on the intake form) that I am the custodial stepmother, do you really think I was there as a birth coach or doula? After all, since "I'm not the real mom" we all know I didn't give birth. And this is not something my DH and I want to chat up during cocktails and appetizers, KWIM? Seriously, some people need to stop, read and think - then speak.

Number 1:     You knew he had kids when you married him. 

Don't even get me started on this one. The AKA for this one is: "Don't complain. You knew what you were

getting into." Oh really? So, that viper you work with? Don't complain about her - after all you knew other

people worked there when you were hired. Trust me - no stepmother really understands what she is getting into. I can't tell you how many I have met that were not custodial and suddenly became a custodial stepmom -

and when they had already finished raising their own and now get another one? Those ladies are the real fearless stepmoms.

So, yes, I have actually had an encounter that went something like this:

PROFESSIONAL PERSON (PP): (after glancing at paperwork) So, tell me was your pregnancy normal? No problems in childbirth?

FEARLESS STEPMOM (FS): Uh... no. Uhhh... I am the custodial stepmom. I explained to the secretary that I will need to get all that information from my husband. I'll get it back to you.

PP: Oh. So, where's their mother?

FS: Uh, well, um. She's in jail right now. 

PP: (beginning to look like they want to dig that proverbial hole to China) "Oh. I see. Well, uh, so you're not the real mom?"

FS: (wanting to bang head in frustration) "No. I am the custodial stepmom, since 2001. They are with us all of the time."

PP: "Okay. Well, just get those back when you can. You know. she really does look just like you."

Once I've escaped and am venting to my friend about it later, she says:

"Well, that's going to happen. After all, you knew he had kids when you married him."

 

Letting Go of Dreams

I realized a harsh truth late yesterday. I guess it's one reason I am still up at 2:15AM. Well, other than working on my two blogs anyway.

I think the hardest part of being a custodial stepmom is the fighting the inevitable - letting go of your dreams. I think as stepmoms, we all have dreams of what life will be like. Well, at least for two groups of stepmoms: the ones that come into their stepkids' lives when the kids are still young, and the ones that have never lived in step previously. I happen to fit both categories. Basically, I had previously been married but did not have children. My DH had been married and had one daughter. At the time I met him, he was in the process of divorcing his second wife - and they had four children. He was custodial to all five at the time we first met. 

I had always loved being around kids, and I had longed for children of my own. At one point, I was told it was highly unlikely I would ever conceive and be able to carry to full term. My 40th birthday surprise - in the form of my dear daughter (the Chick) - is living proof that was not accurate. However, for many years I believed it - and it had held true through previous fertility attempts (although no fertility treatments or drugs). I had no clue about anything regarding living in step - my parents are still married, most of my friends have parents that are still married, and my closest friends are either still married or still not married. I have never had a long-lasting close relationship with anyone living in step, hard as that may be to believe in today's society. The best examples I had of living in step? The Brady Bunch. And oh boy, was I in for a surprise. 

I'll save the story of those surprises for another day and another post. Suffice it to say, I was not Carol, he was not Mike, and these were definitely not the Brady bunch kids. And we don't even need to think for a moment there was an Alice floating around in the kitchen or back room. Who has live-in maids in middle class neighborhoods anymore?  

When I first met the kids, they ranged in age from 2 to 15 - a girl (15), two boys (7 and 5), and two girls (4 and 2). My dreams covered everything from grade school graduations to high school graduations and everything in between. It was making birthday cakes and hosting their parties. It was picking out prom attire and coordinating the after-prom party at our house. It was playing video games in the den, sharing books, and going shopping. It was shared manis and pedis, along with cool haircuts and the swanky salon in town. It was providing a shoulder to cry on when they got their shots, got a bad grade or got dumped for the first time. It was maintaining order in my home, while they still loved me and respected me. 

Some of those things may make you laugh - if you are the parent of a teen. There are times, as a teen parent, you want to pack them up, ship them off to a jungle in Southeast Asia, and only get them back after they turn 18 and have aged a little. Then there are other times when they actually act like a human, and you enjoy being around them. While the teen years can be tough, they can also hold many special and precious moments if the relationship has been established. 

Unfortunately, as a stepmother, those relationships are easily undermined and crumbled. I am living proof. As a custodial stepmother, it was even more difficult. I dreamed of being there and helping these kids when their mother was not in a position to do so. I always saw it as: "A stepmom is one who steps up when a mom is needed, and steps back when the mom is there to do it herself." I never saw myself replacing her, but I did see a special relationship of my own.

The past few years have been filled with heartache, and I now see that some of that was at my own hand. I should have detached a little sooner than I did. Discipline? Let the parents parent - they handle the discipline. Tough decisions? Let the parents parent - whether that's the choice I would have made or not. Instilling values and beliefs? Let the parents parent - legally its not my child and not my problem. It's hard to do that, especially as a custodial stepmom - but it's how you save yourself from constant heartbreak. More importantly, it will save your sanity. 

I realized that I'm not going to see those dreams come true. I've held tenaciously onto them - thinking somehow it would work out. Maybe time would change things. Maybe it's just this child. Finally I realized - it's this situation and no amount of time will ever change it. It is what it is. I don't mean to sound hopeless - in fact, I am more hopeful than I have been in a while. Reality and truth are funny that way - once you are free and can see things as they really are, you can heal. And you finally realize there is an end to the heartache. 

My advice to any new custodial stepmom is to take a long, hard look at your situation.  Look carefully at your dreams and ask yourself if they will stand. Allow yourself time to let them go and to grieve what is lost. Finally, reconcile that detachment is the best solution. It's not that you don't care - you do. It's not that you don't want to help - you do. It's the fact that you DO care and you DO want to help - that will drive you to take on more, do more, and ultimately stress you more. Detachment can work wonders, even in a custodial situation. You may have to tweak it here and there, but I'll be putting up more posts about that. 


In the meantime, just breathe. Let go. It's like another stepmom I know said: Let go or be dragged.

Just what is a "real" mom anyway?

I never really thought of there being such a thing as a "real" mom. I grew up in a traditional, nuclear family (my parents are still happily married even now) and few of my friends came from anything different. I grew up in a university town, so it's not like I never encountered a child of divorce or a child of a single mom. However, none of them ever referred to their parent or stepparent as being real or not real. Once I became a stepmother myself, I was often faced with the question, "So where is their real mom?"

Excuse me? What am I? Plastic?

Don't get me wrong. I am not about to suggest I should be seen as their only mother. Or their birth mother should be ignored. But, why is the term "real" used? It makes the rest of us sound like a pretend Barbie doll. Yes, I am Barbie stepmother and come complete with my own stepchildren, first aid kit, frying pan, laundry basket and bottle of Valium. Certificate enclosed to prove this stepmother is 100% plastic and in no way, shape or form real.

As a custodial stepmom, I am about as real as it gets. I should probably back up and explain a little of my story and how I got here. I had previously been married, but I had never had children and even been told the probability of that happening successfully was very slim. I returned back to my hometown, looked for a job and found some temp work that led me to my DH. We started talking, and I found out about his pending divorce. His wife had left him the previous year to move in with her boyfriend. In the temporary hearing, my DH and his EX shared custody 50/50 both physically and legally. They had a highly contested, bitter custody battle and it was still in process when we met.

It took nearly a full year to finalize the custody issues, although the divorce issues were settled rather quickly. During that year, his EX kept their children from him for approximately three months. This, combined with her admitting to living in her boyfriend's home with the children (against the court order, since we are in the South), resulted in her losing custody to my DH. He won full custody and she had standard visitation. At that point, he enrolled the children in counseling at my suggestion - he would have done that sooner had his EX allowed it. By the time of the final hearing, she settled for modified standard visitation (she would not get any mid-week visits only every other weekend). Eventually my DH and I married, and I settled in as a custodial stepmother. Did I mention that he was custodial to five children?

In the space of about twenty seconds (the time it takes to say "I do"), I went from zero to five children. Most women at least get nine months to get accustomed to a family. And unless you have a reality show, you typically don't have five all at one time. And they certainly don't span the age range of 2-15. Oh, and no, I didn't have a brain tumor. Nor did I realize what I was getting into. If I may digress a moment, the whole concept of "you knew what you were getting into" really chaps my hide the most. Until you have walked it and lived it as a married woman in that situation, there is no way under the sun you would ever know what you were getting into. Trust me.

The 15 year old was the daughter of my DH and his first ex-wife, and he already had full custody of her when his second ex-wife left for her boyfriend. Unbelievably, the first ex-wife waited until he was about halfway through his second divorce when she filed for full custody of the 15 year old. That was another ugly one, but DH retained full custody. Through the following years until now, we have retained custody of his children. The eldest, who is now 23, eventually grew up, graduated, moved out, married and now has children of her own. I have a cordial but distant relationship with her. I never wanted to be a mother figure or anything else, since her own mother functioned perfectly fine and loved her completely. I may have disagreed with many of her parenting decisions, but that is not a reflection of either of us other than different parenting styles. I only wanted to be a mentor to OSD23 (the easiest way to refer to her).

The second ex-wife is completely different. She has been an inconsistent figure in the kid's lives, going between unsupervised to supervised visitation and back again a few times. Currently, she has therapeutic supervised visitation by the court order - but she has chosen not to schedule any visits since August 2008. There have been several periods where she has just not seen the kids - sometimes by choice, sometimes because she is in jail, and sometimes because she was prohibited by the Court. As a result, I have many times been not just a custodial stepmother - but a 100% custodial stepmother with no breaks. There is a substantial difference in those two situations. A custodial stepmother typically gets every other weekend and perhaps a couple of weeks in the summer without any stepchildren around.

This can be a much-needed break. That may sound harsh, but think of the role we have. We are very much like school teachers. We are pretty much neutered in firm discipline - time outs, restrictions - those types of discipline are fine and can be handled by a custodial stepmother in most situations. However, like a school teacher, if our child acts out further we can only sit by and watch then refer that child to the principal (in this case, daddy). Now imagine you are that school teacher - only you don't get to go home at the end of the day. And you don't get summers off. Instead, you have those children all the time. It can wear you down in a hurry. Adoptive parents and biological parents form bonds with children where the children realize the bonds are lifetime and pretty much unbreakable. Even though my stepchildren's mother has been inconsistent, they still feel her love and they are still very much bonded to her. For stepparents, they are like teachers - if they are "fired" (in this case, there is a divorce), then they are removed from the children's lives. Stepparents have no legal rights. In the event of a divorce, they do not get visitation. They simply disappear. That realization alone prevents certain bonds from forming.

In those respects, I guess it is correct to say I am not a real parent. I have no legal standing where the children are concerned other than what my spouse gives me. (I must add here, there are some very rare cases where a stepparent is made a child's legal guardian - and in those cases, they are granted legal standing.) I have no right to discipline those children - and I am okay with that in my case. Each stepfamily is different, so in some cases it is a detriment to have the stepparent so neutered. So, I guess in that respect I am not real. However,

I was real enough to potty train SD12 when she was almost 3 years old.

I was real enough to be the chosen parent to go into SD15's room when they had to reset her broken arm.

I was real enough to teach SD12 how to ride a bicycle.

I was real enough to cook their meals, do their laundry, and help with homework 365 days a year for almost ten years.

I was real enough to quit my job to raise them full-time.

I was real enough to be the one the school called when SD15 threatened to commit suicide - and real enough to take her to the emergency room and later to the pyschiatric hospital.

I was real enough to bake cupcakes, lead Brownie Scouts, volunteer in the PTA, and coordinate birthday parties.

I was real enough to hold SS17 through all of his tantrums and crying spells when he was a little boy.

I was real enough to stand up and take care of these children even though I was not the one who laid down to give birth to them.

I have shed real tears many days and nights. I have had a very real heart break at some of their hateful words, but glow at some of their kindness.

In the end, I am not their biological mom. I am their stepmom. But that does not make me any less real. I think all of the reasons I just listed make me very real indeed.

Becoming a (Good) Stepmom

Becoming a stepmom is very easy - about the three seconds it takes to say "I do". That was me - I went from 0 to 5 in that length of time. That is, zero kids to five kids. Yes, five kids. That takes me to the Five Lessons of Becoming a (Good) Stepmom.

Lesson number one in becoming a stepmom - prepare for anything and everything, especially the unexpected. When DH and I met, I knew there was a custody battle (he and ex were already separated). At the time, they were splitting the time in half - one week with Dad and the other week with Mom. That didn't last very long. Within a few short months and before the end of the year, he was fully custodial and she only had standard visitation. We got married the following spring, and one month later, she was in jail. I was definitely experiencing the unexpected. Some people will automatically think - but you knew what you were getting into! I beg to disagree, and that takes me to lesson number two.

Lesson number two is to don your armor so you can successfully combat the mythology of stepmothers, a battle that is sharply angled uphill. You will hear "You know what you were getting into", but this is false. This is false for anything. A soldier joining the Army will "know" that there is war in Iraq and he may go. However, until he experiences an attack on his unit in that desert, he doesn't really "know" what he's getting into. Every day young students join college and "know" they will need to study. But until they get there, feeling peer pressure to join clubs and party during the week, they don't "know" what they are getting into. The analogies could go on and on, because a person can't truly know what they are getting into until they have lived that particular situation. This is especially true of divorces, which are as unique as the people that compose the situation. You will also hear the endless comparison to a "wicked stepmother". Need I say more on this subject? I like to reply back that "No, I'm not a wicked stepmother, just the trophy wife." That typically shuts down conversation on that point. Of course, my previous answer did as well - "Yes, well, I do enjoy planning those ritualistic beatings every week." At least with either of those answers, the uncomfortable silence is theirs and not mine. It helps to have others hold you up when you face these stereotypes and that takes me to lesson three.

Lesson number three is to assemble your support group. For most stepmoms, they immediately of the mental health circle group that listens, cries with you and even sometimes takes that sharp knife out of your hands. This goes beyond the typical support group - this is your inner circle of friends and family and it stars your dear husband. In order for your marriage to survive, and you to be a successful stepmom, your husband must support you 100% of the time. This does not mean he always agrees with you, and it does not mean that he puts you above his children to their detriment. It does mean that he does not openly disagree with you in front of the stepchildren - any disagreements are discussed behind closed doors and then presented to the family with a united front. I am personally blessed to have a husband that has literally told his children if something comes out of my mouth, it's as good as coming out of his. We are custodial, and he works long hours, so this is unique to our situation. Most importantly, they do not see any division between us. And anything unintentionally seen as undermining is quickly repaired. We are a team, and all of our children know that, which is lesson four.

Lesson four is to make sure the family realizes the marital relationship comes first, before any other relationships. This is the foundation for a successful family and household. Without this firmly established, children will sense a divide and try to put a wedge in it. This creates the first of the game playing, which we do not tolerate. This should not as threatening or selfish as some will see. A traditional family has started with a traditional marriage - a couple that marries without children. They establish their marital foundations and then children come along. The children fit into the marriage which becomes a family. With a second marriage the children and the marital foundation are all there at the start. In this case, it is important for children to see that your marital relationship is of vital importance. Date nights are a great way to establish this. Going on a honeymoon right after marrying, without taking the children is another good start. It is not separating the children from the family. Instead, it lets them know there is a special relationship between their father and stepmother - a relationship that will last (hopefully) long after they have aged and moved out of the home. There are some things of which they cannot be a part, but which they will reap great benefits. By taking time to build your romance, and to continue to strengthen your friendship without the added pressures of children's needs, you will become stronger as a couple. This offers a great strength for raising children, and they will benefit from happy, settled, functional parents. At this point, the best you can give them is a good role model for a solid marriage. This brings me to the final lesson for becoming a stepmother.

Lesson five is to make a schedule and stick to it, including some "me time" in it. This is so crucial. Children thrive on structure and schedules, especially if any are special needs. We with oversized date squares. We put all the events and special dates on the calendar, so that we all know what is going on at any time. We've also made certain rules, such as only one child having a friend over at a time. We have a large family, so some of the things we do may not be practical for a one child family. However, with no children, two children or ten children - a schedule is an absolute necessity. This includes, as previously stated, the "me time", for which you are not to feel guilty. As a stepmom, it is essential to step away from steplife from time to time. This can be a bubble bath, while the kids are at school and you have time off work. It can be lunch with friends, or just a trip alone to the bookstore. The essential elements are making this time about you - something you enjoy, that doesn't include endless discussions of the stepchildren, any legal disputes, the ex-wife or anything else that concerns steplife. It is amazing how this vacation will help your perspective. Ideally, once a week is a great goal, although sometimes once a month is the only realistic possibility.

There's a lot more to being a stepmom than just five easy lessons. The lessons are often hard to apply, and they aren't required to actually be a stepmom. That just takes a man willing to say "I do" and accept the marriage certificate. If you follow these lessons, you become not just a stepmom... you become a GOOD stepmom. Despite popular misconceptions, we are not wicked or evil - we are just stressed out moms that don't get the recognition but do get the responsibility. No matter how we view it, our charges are just children. So we owe it to them to be a good stepmom and, in the process, crush those myths.

The Fearless Stepmother