Isn't It School Yet? This Is My Steplife and I Need A Break

I can't wait until August 17 - the first day of school.

That may sound harsh, but I need a break. I haven't told a lot of my story, but I am a little different from a lot of stepmothers out there. I am 100% custodial - full time, all the time. That means there are no "every other weekends" or any "summer visits". Instead, they get to see her only when she schedules her therapeutic supervised visits - which she has not ever scheduled. They last saw their mother in August 2008, at a regular supervised visitation which did not end very successfully.

I've been a custodial stepmother ever since I married my dear husband (DH). That will be ten years ago this coming March 2011, so it has been a while. This means I love them all very much, as I have been put in a situation of "mothering" them for most of their lives. Their mother has had visitation on and off, sometimes supervised and sometimes unsupervised, until in March 2009 when it went to the therapeutic visits based on recommendations of therapists involved.

As a result of that, my OSD (oldest stepdaughter) ended up threatening suicide which landed her in a mental hospital for about two weeks. According to all the therapists and doctors involved, it was all a manipulative attempt to go live with her mother who could not (and still cannot) take care of her. However, it decidedly interrupted our lives and ended up with OSD being placed on homebound instruction for the remainder of the school year. At that time, she was not the least bit shy about sharing her utter hatred of me and the belief that I was solely responsible for everything wrong in her life not the least of which was her being unable to see her mother. Amazing, since I later found out that she had secretly been in touch with her mother for several months and her mother had even come to several high school football games with the sole objective of seeing OSD. (And no, her mother never asked nor tried to see other siblings which had an impact on YSD.) So, there we were with OSD hating me, DH working every day, and me trying to balance it all to provide at least a somewhat normal existence for my three year old daughter.

Once school let out in May, I had all the stepkids home with me. Well, almost all. The OSS decided he could "make it on his own" at age 17 and decided to move out in May. Actually, he had moved out in November (just prior to the suicide threats by OSD) but moved back in January. He had left to move in with the stepkids' mother, who went to jail in December for three months. Since that left him homeless, he basically moved back home. Then, he decided in May he would try it again only to end up moving back in with his mother. As luck would have it, she went to jail the Monday after he graduated high school which left him homeless yet again. My DH believes in tough love, and since OSS doesn't believe in finding a job or attending school my DH doesn't believe we have room at our inn. And I am behind him 100%.

That meant my summer had the following: a sullen 16-year-old (YSS) who was upset he couldn't move out and away from rules and responsibility, a pouting 15-year-old (OSD) who was upset she couldn't be with her mother and was pissed her therapists called her on being manipulative, and a depressed 12-year-old who could not understand why her mother would not try to contact her even though it was not the right thing to do. Oh, and an amazingly fairly normal 4-year-old who had managed to survive her birthday and develop just fine during all the craziness that ensued in the rest of our home.

I need a break so I can enjoy that darling little four-year-old just a little bit more. I don't want to miss all those special moments which are dwindling since she will soon start the school race too. And I don't want to seethe with resentment because of my role in steplife. It's a careful balance, but one that school will resolve this year. Just a few more days, then at least there will be a little peace. And it's amazing what that eight hour break can do for the soul.

Isn't it school yet? 

Letting Go of Dreams

I realized a harsh truth late yesterday. I guess it's one reason I am still up at 2:15AM. Well, other than working on my two blogs anyway.

I think the hardest part of being a custodial stepmom is the fighting the inevitable - letting go of your dreams. I think as stepmoms, we all have dreams of what life will be like. Well, at least for two groups of stepmoms: the ones that come into their stepkids' lives when the kids are still young, and the ones that have never lived in step previously. I happen to fit both categories. Basically, I had previously been married but did not have children. My DH had been married and had one daughter. At the time I met him, he was in the process of divorcing his second wife - and they had four children. He was custodial to all five at the time we first met. 

I had always loved being around kids, and I had longed for children of my own. At one point, I was told it was highly unlikely I would ever conceive and be able to carry to full term. My 40th birthday surprise - in the form of my dear daughter (the Chick) - is living proof that was not accurate. However, for many years I believed it - and it had held true through previous fertility attempts (although no fertility treatments or drugs). I had no clue about anything regarding living in step - my parents are still married, most of my friends have parents that are still married, and my closest friends are either still married or still not married. I have never had a long-lasting close relationship with anyone living in step, hard as that may be to believe in today's society. The best examples I had of living in step? The Brady Bunch. And oh boy, was I in for a surprise. 

I'll save the story of those surprises for another day and another post. Suffice it to say, I was not Carol, he was not Mike, and these were definitely not the Brady bunch kids. And we don't even need to think for a moment there was an Alice floating around in the kitchen or back room. Who has live-in maids in middle class neighborhoods anymore?  

When I first met the kids, they ranged in age from 2 to 15 - a girl (15), two boys (7 and 5), and two girls (4 and 2). My dreams covered everything from grade school graduations to high school graduations and everything in between. It was making birthday cakes and hosting their parties. It was picking out prom attire and coordinating the after-prom party at our house. It was playing video games in the den, sharing books, and going shopping. It was shared manis and pedis, along with cool haircuts and the swanky salon in town. It was providing a shoulder to cry on when they got their shots, got a bad grade or got dumped for the first time. It was maintaining order in my home, while they still loved me and respected me. 

Some of those things may make you laugh - if you are the parent of a teen. There are times, as a teen parent, you want to pack them up, ship them off to a jungle in Southeast Asia, and only get them back after they turn 18 and have aged a little. Then there are other times when they actually act like a human, and you enjoy being around them. While the teen years can be tough, they can also hold many special and precious moments if the relationship has been established. 

Unfortunately, as a stepmother, those relationships are easily undermined and crumbled. I am living proof. As a custodial stepmother, it was even more difficult. I dreamed of being there and helping these kids when their mother was not in a position to do so. I always saw it as: "A stepmom is one who steps up when a mom is needed, and steps back when the mom is there to do it herself." I never saw myself replacing her, but I did see a special relationship of my own.

The past few years have been filled with heartache, and I now see that some of that was at my own hand. I should have detached a little sooner than I did. Discipline? Let the parents parent - they handle the discipline. Tough decisions? Let the parents parent - whether that's the choice I would have made or not. Instilling values and beliefs? Let the parents parent - legally its not my child and not my problem. It's hard to do that, especially as a custodial stepmom - but it's how you save yourself from constant heartbreak. More importantly, it will save your sanity. 

I realized that I'm not going to see those dreams come true. I've held tenaciously onto them - thinking somehow it would work out. Maybe time would change things. Maybe it's just this child. Finally I realized - it's this situation and no amount of time will ever change it. It is what it is. I don't mean to sound hopeless - in fact, I am more hopeful than I have been in a while. Reality and truth are funny that way - once you are free and can see things as they really are, you can heal. And you finally realize there is an end to the heartache. 

My advice to any new custodial stepmom is to take a long, hard look at your situation.  Look carefully at your dreams and ask yourself if they will stand. Allow yourself time to let them go and to grieve what is lost. Finally, reconcile that detachment is the best solution. It's not that you don't care - you do. It's not that you don't want to help - you do. It's the fact that you DO care and you DO want to help - that will drive you to take on more, do more, and ultimately stress you more. Detachment can work wonders, even in a custodial situation. You may have to tweak it here and there, but I'll be putting up more posts about that. 


In the meantime, just breathe. Let go. It's like another stepmom I know said: Let go or be dragged.